Criticism, to me, is one of those strange, natural urges and instincts that, when utilized, is often incredibly counterproductive. We criticize for a number of reasons -- to vent our anger at someone; to condemn someone's actions; or to try to influence someone's future behaviour. Parents (in most cases with the best intentions) often criticize their children's personality and activities. They likely fall into the habit of finding fault, and reprimand their children's actions with the presupposition that such criticisms will make their child better fit into the mold of the parent's expectations. Bosses may notice the lack of efficiency or proper following of procedures in their workers, and as a result, dish out the flack in the hopes that it will improve the efficiency of their staff. How many times have we trusted someone to do something for us only to have them fail miserably (well, probably not fail miserably, but not live up to our expectations), and as a result - let me put this as politely as I can - 'discounted their value as a human being'? We criticize for a number of reasons, and the expression of our disapproval is one of those incredibly innate responses that we yield to whenever someone doesn't live up to our expectations.
But we all know how it feels to be criticized. And unless you're the son of God/Allah/Buddha/The Flying Spaghetti Monster/ Chuck Norris, it's not a good feeling. Dale Carnegie, an American writer and lecturer, writes about how, when he was young, he decided to write a letter to a prominent author of the time, and when the reply simply read "Your bad manners are exceeded only by your bad manners", this rebuke ignited a feeling of indignation that stayed with Carnegie for a decade. When we criticize, we play a fine game with the recipient's emotions - their pride, vanity and self-esteem. That's actually an understatement - we actually shoot them down. Condemnation can drive people to give up the things that they love doing, just as it drove Thomas Hardy to give up writing fiction. It can ruin people's moods, cause them to burst into tears, quit jobs, commit suicide. It can ruin a person's self-esteem, destroy their feelings of self-worth and shatter their confidence. I'd vouch that we've all had the experience of being criticized, and it's not at all a fun one.
And just a side note before I finish this off, but I think for many of us, our worst critic is ourselves. Many of us hold such high expectations of ourselves and pass iron-fisted judgement on how we "should" act or behave that when something goes wrong - whether it's in a relationship, in an academic sense, about our appearance, or in other pursuits. Many of us tirelessly condemn ourselves, telling ourselves that we "could have done ____, ___ and ___ so much better", or that we "really shouldn't have done _____", or "you bitch. Why'd you eat that Jumbo Sized Mars Bar?". But what we could benefit from is increasing the amount of compassion we have for ourselves. Many cultures suggest that if we don't constantly criticize ourselves, we're lazy and self-indulgent. Winning is the most important thing - our best just isn't good enough. Even Yoda says that "there is no try". Bastard. (I'm kidding - I love Yoda). But humour aside, perhaps we could benefit from thinking about how we criticize ourselves, and what effect it has on us.
Anyway, back to wherever I was. So we've established that criticism makes people feel bad (you don't say). Instead of criticism, what can we do? Perhaps we could indulge in compassion and empathy (I hope this doesn't start sounding mushy). Maybe if we come across a chance to criticize, we could bite our tongue and do the metaphorical 'stepping into their shoes', and consider their point of view. It could have been an honest mistake - perhaps they tried their best. If they're doing something wrong, it's possible that they haven't been taught correctly. They might be tired, insecure or affected by some recent disaster. People are likely to justify and rationalize their actions, and as we know, criticism will usually only arouse resentment. Why not try words of encouragement, compassion, and understanding? Yes, being encouraging and compassionate about the downfalls we perceive in others may sound mushy and saccharine, but are we more likely to appreciate the person who appreciates our struggles, or the person who condemns our hardships?
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.- Joe Namath
Till next time,
Eric.
More information on improving self-compassion :)
